It is shameful to admit, but at this time last year I anxiously awaited all week for Saturday to come so I could be rid of my hellion. I wanted to go out and be with friends and forget about my problems. I wanted this because every time I looked at my hellion I saw his daddy in him and was reminded of what once was, of what I once had, of what I lost. So during the week I would make plans for when my hellion would be away with his dad for the weekend.
I don't know when things changed, but my attitude has shifted. This time last year I would have never thought that I would feel a huge, gaping hole in my heart every time my hellion went to his dad for the weekend, but now I do. I miss him terribly when he's gone. I want him all to myself. I've come to dread Saturday nights when he goes to his dad. I've come to count down the hours on Monday when he will be returned to me.
I've changed a lot since last year. I was driven to be the best in every one of my classes at school. At work I was ready to pick up as many shifts as possible so I could have money in the bank. If any of these interrupted my time with my hellion, I would use the excuse that I was doing it for the betterment of his life. In truth I was so dedicated in school and work because I wanted to be away from that constant reminder that his presence evoked. I'm not saying that at this time last year I was a horrible mother; I made sure that I took care of my son. I just wanted to be away from that constant, painful reminder.
I guess you could say that that one piece of advice that I despised hearing, the advice that EVERYONE kept telling me last year ("You'll heal, it just takes time") has sunk in. I've begun to move on with my life and my life with my hellion. While I haven't been the most dedicated student this semester or the most dedicated employee at work as of late, I have been the most dedicated mother.
I love my hellion so much it hurts.
I love you girl. I feel exactly the same way. I too do not know when this changed for me, but I know that it has happened. I must say I do reminisce the carefree life and think that it was often times, peaceful. I miss my friends, but I certainly lacked a certain ambition that was instilled in me the moment I knew I was going to be a mother. Flor all the mistakes I made, I am grateful, because without them, I may never have known the haunting feeling of time lost with my baby, and would never have appreciated the time I still have. I love that you are growing and evolving. Thanks for being there for me through it all. You are loved by many and for that you will survive.
ReplyDelete