Question:

When do you stop blaming yourself?

(Happy 4th birthday to my little hellion.)

Easter Sunday

Things have been hectic lately; mainly my emotions.  I have a lot on my mind, but don't feel like talking.  It's basically the same rants that I've spouted over and over in my head throughout the course of 2010.

So instead of whining again, I will just leave you with some of the more positive aspects of my life right now:

My nephew, who resembles his momma so much!

Mantra

I will not let him ruin the day.
I will not let him ruin.
I will not let him.
I will not let.
I will not.

Slow, deep breaths.

(Happy 63rd birthday to my daddy!  And here's to a great birthday party today for my hellion!)

Lingering Still

As my move date draws closer, my nerves keep going haywire.  I've been much more lazy as of late.  Notice how I haven't mentioned the gym?  It's because I haven't been in over two weeks.  A friend of Tyler's whom I don't know complimented me the other day.  Her son goes to the same daycare as the hellion, and she said that I "look cute, like she goes to the gym."  That should motivate me to go to the gym, right?  For some reason it made me NOT want to go to the gym.  But I know that I can't not workout and be toned.  I work(ed) hard to look like this.  I need to keep it up!  LC has asked numerously to ride our bikes on the trail.  God knows the weather has been perfect lately to do just that, but I've come up with an excuse every time.

I've skipped class, opting to work/car shop instead.  I don't need the class, seeing as I've already graduated, but I'm thinking of changing my major to English with a minor in Spanish.  So I will need that class after all.  I just don't have time for that one hour class.  Gosh, I need motivation!  Since when did I not like going to school?  I love learning.  So why can't I motivate myself to go?  It's the end of the semester.  If anything I should be going now!

This morning I had a minor panic attack:  What if I don't get a job right away in Montevallo?  What if my rent is super high?  What if personal matters don't get resolved until much later than expected?  What if my new place doesn't have a washer & dryer?  Can I afford rent, a car payment, and a washer & dryer payment?  Let's not even think about daycare expenses.....

If I stay here, I can finish school at JSU.  I can continue living rent/utility free with my parents, or I can get a smaller, much cheaper apartment (than in Montevallo).  The money I've saved can go towards my car payment.  Or other personal matters I won't fix because otherwise I don't have the money.  Logan will be closer to family that can help when needed.  I will have a job (ugh) for another TWO years.

So what are the pros of moving again?  I haven't really been able to think of them lately...

A friend at work told me the other day, "For someone who hates change, you sure are making a lot of BIG changes at the same time.  But do you know what I've learned about people like you?  Change is GOOD for you.  I think you'll be able to do it, and do it well."

I just need all my friends to keep drilling that in my head:  I can do it.  I can do it.  I can do it.  I may have to struggle for a little while at first, but I can do it.  I can do it.

I can do it, right?

Soundtrack of my Life #26

#26- Your favorite music video:  Dog Days are Over- Florence and the Machine

Leave all your love and your longing behind, you can't carry it with you if you want to survive....

Like a Prayer- Madonna

I think the controversy behind this video made it even better.

 

Crazy- Aerosmith

I think this is the first music video I ever saw.  Anyways, it's always been a favorite.

1.  Your favorite song.
2.  A song that makes you cry.
3.  A song that makes you dance.
4.  Your favorite male singer.
5.  Your favorite female singer.
6.  Your favorite band.
7.  One band/singer you're ashamed to admit you like.
8.  One band/singer whose popularity you will never understand.
9.  A song that reminds you of an ex.
10.  A song that reminds you of your father.
11.  A song that reminds you of your mother.
12.  A song that makes you want to have sex.
13.  A song you sing in the shower.
14.  A song from the year you were born.
15.  A song you liked in high school.
16.  The first song in your mp3 folder.
17.  The last song in your mp3 folder.
18.  An instrumental song that you like.
19.  Your favorite love song.
20.  Your favorite break up song.
21.  A song that makes you want to break stuff.
22.  Your favorite song from a movie.
23.  Your favorite duet.
24.  Your favorite cover song.
25.  Your favorite song from 2010.
26.  Your favorite music video.
27.  One song in your mp3 folder you're pretty sure no one else has.
28.  One song that never needs to be played again.
29.  One song that gives you the creeps.
30.  A song you'd like played at your funeral.

“If each man or woman could understand that every other human life is as full of sorrows, or joys, or base temptations, of heartaches and of remorse as his own . . . how much kinder, how much gentler he would be.”

Last night was a horrible.
Last night I felt like I was in high school again.
Last night made me realize that some people are never going to grow up.
Last night was a reminder that people can still be cruel, and when in packs they can be much more devious.
Last night I was so very upset to know that there are adults, grown adults, who still act like that.
Last night I didn't expect these people, some of whom I've known for years, to act so childish.
Last night my ride or die was hurt, and I didn't like it.
Last night I was angry.
Last night I wanted to disturbed.
Last night, above everything else, I was disappointed.

Because sometimes ties run so deep that the only thing you can do is leave.  You leave and those people think they've won.
You let them think they've won because you know that to be stuck, unhappy & bitter about your life, is not of your lot.
You let them think and say what they will, because when it really matters, when things get real, we'll see who really wins.

Life moves forward.

Kids say the darndest things.

Me:  "Baby, why did you throw your trash on the floorboard?  I just got the car cleaned.  We don't throw trash anywhere but in a trash can."
The hellion:  "No, Mommy, it wasn't me!  It was the wind!"

The car windows were up because it was raining.
I wanted to reprimand him for lying, but I couldn't stop laughing.
I love my little hellion to pieces.

We HAD to take a picture "in the blue one!" =)

Simple.

The car that I searched and searched and searched for is gone.  I was excitedly en route to the dealership when the salesman called me and told me the car was sold yesterday.  So I go home a bit discouraged but still hopeful that I can still find a similar car, but for some reason the cars from my search results don't look the same.

I skipped class.

Now I'm just waiting on a phone call from one of my best friends, Crissy, who is at the hospital awaiting the arrival of her firstborn child.  I am so happy for her and her husband.  I can't wait to meet that sweet little bundle!

Soundtrack of my Life #6

#6- Your favorite band:  Red Hot Chili Peppers

I would pay ungodly amounts of money to see them live.

Minor Thing (By the Way is one of my favorite music albums).

Don't Forget Me

Wet Sand

Torture Me

1.  Your favorite song.
2.  A song that makes you cry.
3.  A song that makes you dance.
4.  Your favorite male singer.
5.  Your favorite female singer.
6.  Your favorite band.
7.  One band/singer you're ashamed to admit you like.
8.  One band/singer whose popularity you will never understand.
9.  A song that reminds you of an ex.
10.  A song that reminds you of your father.
11.  A song that reminds you of your mother.
12.  A song that makes you want to have sex.
13.  A song you sing in the shower.
14.  A song from the year you were born.
15.  A song you liked in high school.
16.  The first song in your mp3 folder.
17.  The last song in your mp3 folder.
18.  An instrumental song that you like.
19.  Your favorite love song.
20.  Your favorite break up song.
21.  A song that makes you want to break stuff.
22.  Your favorite song from a movie.
23.  Your favorite duet.
24.  Your favorite cover song.
25.  Your favorite song from 2010.
26.  Your favorite music video.
27.  One song in your mp3 folder you're pretty sure no one else has.
28.  One song that never needs to be played again.
29.  One song that gives you the creeps.
30.  A song you'd like played at your funeral.

Nerves can cause brain vomit.

My nerves are shot.  I've searched and searched and searched and searched for a car.  I think I'm pretty schooled on what to expect and what I need to know about buying a car (thanks to my friends and the internet for all the advice!).  I've been browsing on autotrader.com for a few days, and I think I've found the one!  The Carfax history report is clean.  I'm a little hesitant though, because the price/mileage on the car seems too good to be true--as compared to other models of the same car.  I'm going to call the dealership about it tomorrow.  I normally get so excited about possibilities that I end with my hopes being crushed, but I'm still going to keep my fingers crossed.  And try to remember to breathe.  If all goes well, I may just take a little trip on Thursday to check out the car.  BUT I'm getting way ahead of myself.  Slow, deep breaths.  Wish me luck!

On a different note, work has been consuming my life as of late.  I shouldn't complain because I really need the money for my big move in June, but my body aches for more rest.  I feel so drained.  But beauty must suffer and beggars can't be choosers, right?  I need to work as much as possible right now, and probably for the rest of the year.  Or the rest of my life.  Unless I marry some ridiculously rich guy who loves me so much that he refuses to let me lift so much as a finger and takes care of me for the rest of my life.  In a perfect world....

I bought a few things yesterday at Target for the hellion's Easter basket.  I also bought invitations for his birthday party.  So much excitement this time of year, with serene, sunny weather, and spring events and adventures and excitement. And green.  Green everywhere.  I love spring.

Also, check out my new favorite song, Broadripple is Burning by Margot and the Nuclear So & So's.  It gives me a melancholy feeling, but we all know I tend to lean towards that kind of feeling anyway.  Regardless, I love this song:

The Avett Brothers

You haven't been to a concert until you see the Avett Brothers.  Tyler and I saw them on April 1st at Tuscaloosa's new amphitheater.  It was the first show there, and it was a good one.  Band of Horses opened for the Avett Brothers, and while I only knew three songs they performed, I enjoyed their entire set.  The Avett Brothers were so energetic and genuine.  It was a bittersweet concert for me.  I already want to see them again. 

I wish I knew more of their songs, and I fully intend on owning all of their albums.  I did know, however, the last 4 songs they played, which was brilliant:

1. I and Love and You (Last song before the encore.)
2. Will You Return (Love.)
3. Talk on Indolence (The first song I ever heard by them.)
4. November Blue (I sorta cried...)

Listen to them.  Enjoy them.  Love them.

I didn't know this song when they played it at the concert, but I know it now.  The Avett Brothers rocked it, and so did the crowd.  I wish I could have rocked it with them. I will next time.

All of the pictures below were taken from Bing.com.  I didn't see one picture on Bing where the band wasn't showing any genuine emotion.  It seems that every picture was displayed their heartfelt love for their music and fans, which is something you don't see often anymore.

 

 

 

He was my favorite