Shame on you all!

Every blog I'm following has not had a new post in quite a few days.
Boo.

Soundtrack of my Life #15

#15- A song you liked in high school: Chop Suey- System of a Down

Both of these songs are still on my "favorite songs" list.

Mr. Brightside- The Killers

1.  Your favorite song.
2.  A song that makes you cry.
3.  A song that makes you dance.
4.  Your favorite male singer.
5.  Your favorite female singer.
6.  Your favorite band.
7.  One band/singer you're ashamed to admit you like.
8.  One band/singer whose popularity you will never understand.
9.  A song that reminds you of an ex.
10.  A song that reminds you of your father.
11.  A song that reminds you of your mother.
12.  A song that makes you want to have sex.
13.  A song you sing in the shower.
14.  A song from the year you were born.
15.  A song you liked in high school.
16.  The first song in your mp3 folder.
17.  The last song in your mp3 folder.
18.  An instrumental song that you like.
19.  Your favorite love song.
20.  Your favorite break up song.
21.  A song that makes you want to break stuff.
22.  Your favorite song from a movie.
23.  Your favorite duet.
24.  Your favorite cover song.
25.  Your favorite song from 2010.
26.  Your favorite music video.
27.  One song in your mp3 folder you're pretty sure no one else has.
28.  One song that never needs to be played again.
29.  One song that gives you the creeps.
30.  A song you'd like played at your funeral.

Gas prices, Fitness Fridays with LC, and System of a Down

After dropping the hellion off at school today I:

• drove to the gas station in a rage because I had to get gas for the second day in a row,

• drove to LC's in a hurry & still angry because gas is now $3.19/gallon, I spent $35 and still didn't have a full tank of gas, and I was late for Fitness Friday,

• all while blaring System of a Down at an unhealthy level on my ipod, 

• wondering why it's been forever since I've listened to them, my favorite band while in high school.

Needless to say, I was angry, depressed, whiny, and pathetic.
I didn't want to do Fitness Friday.  My legs were sore from yesterday's workout.  I had a somewhat sad, stressful evening, and I just didn't wanna!

Until, that is, I got to LC's.

There's something about having such a good, motivational friend that puts one in a good mood.  LC inspires me to be better and to think positively.  After my horrible day yesterday, Fitness Friday is just what I needed to cheer me up.

If you've never worked out regularly before (outside of sports & P.E. in high school), try it.  It's such an energy-lifter!  So LC & I did cardio, worked our upper body (arms & chest), then abs, then did a few sun salutations and some core yoga exercises, all while talking about life and boys and possibly everything else you could think of.  The result?  I feel a little more postive than I did yesterday, my body feels great and is on the way to looking much better (or so I think), and I'm now ready to face the day's challenges.

After Fitness Friday was over, I drove to the tanning while still listening to System of a Down, but this time at a healthy level.  I caught about ten minutes of skin cancer, and left with a pep in my step.  Came home to eat some of mom's spaghetti (yummy! Does that cancel out my workout?) and to get ready for work.

Sometimes you just need a good friend with good advice.
I realize that I am not the best person to give one advice, but it's always nice to know that a friend trusts me enough to confide in me.  It's such a great feeling.
And to everyone who has ever given me advice--this past year, or anytime before my life fell apart--thank you.  I wish I could give each and every one of you the words of wisdom that have helped me thus far.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  All of you.

I'm ready for this day.

Busy bee

Class.
Gym.
Bank.
Tanning bed.
Paid my Victoria's Secret credit card.
Took the hellion to Gap to let him pick out a birthday present for his dad.
Went to Target and bought my friend Crissy a bunch of stuff for her baby shower next Sunday.

After dropping the hellion off at daycare this morning I spent the remainder of time left before class dancing and singing Dog Days are Over at the top of my lungs.  I wanted to feel rejuvenated.  I needed to feel rejuvenated.

But...

I didn't feel that, and I still don't feel it.  The only thing I can feel is my mind slipping, slowly retreating back to the place I was a few months ago when Casey and I split.  I don't like it.  I dread it.  I want to avoid it.  But how?

I've always done a pretty good job of staying busy and being on the go, ready to meet the day's challenge with all my strength.  But today at the gym while talking to Jamal I realized that that same reason may be why I've felt like this for the past week.  I can't see myself NOT being ready for the next; it's who I am--always always always ready for the next.  But maybe I need to take a break.  My constant going for the past six months has been fueled by the thought that if I slowed down, even for one second, thoughts of Casey would dominate and take over.  I guess it worked for a little while, but now I'm back to square one.  What do I do?

I exercise regularly.
I eat (relatively) healthy.
I pretty much quit drinking.  Of course I may have one or two drinks when I go out, but nothing near the amount I was drinking a few months ago.
I don't smoke cigarettes or do drugs.
I go out and do things, whether it be with my hellions or with my friends, when time and money allow.
I quit social networking.  (For some reason social networking adds to my stress.  Weird, I know.)
What else can I do?

For the past two weeks I've spent days at work wishing I were off to "enjoy" the beautiful weather with which Alabama has been graced.  But when I have an off day I'm so busy running around town finishing errands that I don't even get the chance to bask in the sunshine and slow my thoughts.

Sunset in Walmart parking lot. 02/24/11

Does this mean I need a vacation?  Probably.  Do I have the money to take a vacation?  No.  I want so very badly to take my hellion to the beach this year.  I would also like to take him to the zoo and to the museum for the Chocolate! exhibit and to visit his great-grandmother who hasn't seen him since he was two (maybe?) and to the TN Aquarium and IMAX theater and to so many other places.  And this isn't even including the stuff I would like to do with my friends, when I don't have my hellion.

Damn you, life!

Soundtrack of my Life #30

#30- A song you'd like played at your funeral: How Can I Keep From Singing?- Enya

I can't stop listening to this song in the mornings.

1.  Your favorite song.
2.  A song that makes you cry.
3.  A song that makes you dance.
4.  Your favorite male singer.
5.  Your favorite female singer.
6.  Your favorite band.
7.  One band/singer you're ashamed to admit you like.
8.  One band/singer whose popularity you will never understand.
9.  A song that reminds you of an ex.
10.  A song that reminds you of your father.
11.  A song that reminds you of your mother.
12.  A song that makes you want to have sex.
13.  A song you sing in the shower.
14.  A song from the year you were born.
15.  A song you liked in high school.
16.  The first song in your mp3 folder.
17.  The last song in your mp3 folder.
18.  An instrumental song that you like.
19.  Your favorite love song.
20.  Your favorite break up song.
21.  A song that makes you want to break stuff.
22.  Your favorite song from a movie.
23.  Your favorite duet.
24.  Your favorite cover song.
25.  Your favorite song from 2010.
26.  Your favorite music video.
27.  One song in your mp3 folder you're pretty sure no one else has.
28.  One song that never needs to be played again.
29.  One song that gives you the creeps.
30.  A song you'd like played at your funeral.

Quiet mornings...

I feel a very heavy Blogger-dependency since I've quit Facebook.  The whole idea of deactivating my Facebook was so I could quit being so internet-addicted.  *sighs*  At least I read good blogs and not stupid ones, right?

My hellion is sick today.  He is running a fever and complaining of his leg hurting.  If his fever doesn't break by the time I get out of class I am going to take him to the doctor.  I told him to lay down and go back to sleep and he said, "I want to lay down for 2 hours, mommy."
I giggled and said, "Only 2 hours, baby?"
And he said, "No, mommy!  TEN hours!" (While holding up 5 fingers.)
=)

Soundtrack of my Life # 3

For some reason, the gangster in me is dying to get out this week.  Now if only I could dance...

#3- A song that makes you dance:  Drop It Low- Ester Dean ft. Chris Brown

No Hands- Waka Flocka ft. Roscoe Dash

Yay for edited versions! Not.

Becky- Plies

 Toot It and Boot It- YG

You have to skip the first 46 seconds of the video.

1.  Your favorite song.
2.  A song that makes you cry.
3.  A song that makes you dance.
4.  Your favorite male singer.
5.  Your favorite female singer.
6.  Your favorite band.
7.  One band/singer you're ashamed to admit you like.
8.  One band/singer whose popularity you will never understand.
9.  A song that reminds you of an ex.
10.  A song that reminds you of your father.
11.  A song that reminds you of your mother.
12.  A song that makes you want to have sex.
13.  A song you sing in the shower.
14.  A song from the year you were born.
15.  A song you liked in high school.
16.  The first song in your mp3 folder.
17.  The last song in your mp3 folder.
18.  An instrumental song that you like.
19.  Your favorite love song.
20.  Your favorite break up song.
21.  A song that makes you want to break stuff.
22.  Your favorite song from a movie.
23.  Your favorite duet.
24.  Your favorite cover song.
25.  Your favorite song from 2010.
26.  Your favorite music video.
27.  One song in your mp3 folder you're pretty sure no one else has.
28.  One song that never needs to be played again.
29.  One song that gives you the creeps.
30.  A song you'd like played at your funeral.

Daddy

I have to work at 5:30 A.M.  tomorrow.  I am tired, yet I do not want to sleep in my big, empty bed all by myself.  So here I am, writing a blog.
I mentioned a few blogs ago that I was fed up with being lazy.  So I have been making more of an effort to not be lazy.  Deleting my FB account has helped a lot in defeating the lazy in me at work.  Now if only I could stop texting at work.... Well, that's another challenge in itself.

Anyways, back to the lazy point I was making.

So do you remember that feeling when you were a kid that your dad was the strongest person in the world? Do you remember when you started to grow into adolescence and the realization that your dad isn't the strongest person in the world?  That loss of innocence, per say?  For some reason, that loss made me bitter towards my dad.  I don't know if it is because I was not prepared for the real world, or that I blamed him for not raising me the "right way," or for whatever reason.  But as my dad and I have both aged, I've noticed how much I've pulled away from him.  I can't remember the last time my dad said my name without me sighing and being instantly annoyed by the favor I knew he was about to ask of me.
Another thing I've noticed as my dad and I have both grown older is how frail and weak he's becoming.  He has diabetes, high blood pressure, and a bad heart.  This past Monday he went to the ER due to pain in his leg.  He was CRYING from the pain.  I've NEVER seen my dad cry, in the entire 23 years of my life, never have I seen him shed a tear.  He's the strongest 62 year old man in the world, right?  Anyways, the ER can't figure out what's wrong with his leg and they send him home with no pain relievers and tell him to keep his leg elevated.
 My dad is basically bed ridden since coming home from the ER on Monday (except he stays on the couch because it's the closest rest area to the front door of the house and his leg hurts too much to move any further). He only gets up to use the bathroom, and even that task is too painful for him.
Thursday my dad goes to his doctor to have some tests run.  Turns out he has a popped vein in his leg, which happens all the time and normally doesn't go noticed.  But because my dad is diabetic and taking Cumidin(sp?), the pain is very evident. 

(I tell really long stories.  Sorry.  The lazy point I'm trying to make is coming, promise.)

I said all of the above to say this:  Friday when I get home from work my dad asks me to go to Wal-mart to buy him a cold compress for his leg.  I say ok, but in my head I'm thinking of all the things I have to do already.  I'm instantly annoyed--like I mentioned above--because I've been asked to do one simple little thing.  Well whaddya know, I don't buy the cold compress until Saturday morning before I go into work.

I am a shitty, lazy daughter.  Would you think I'm the only one of my dad's kids who is a "daddy's girl" after the above story?

So the point of my story is:  Friday night I felt like a piece of huge, stinky dog poop for being such a lazy, selfish daughter.  I wanted to remedy that on Saturday morning, and I started to.  After I came back from Wal-mart I sat in the living room with my dad and ate a bowl of cereal and watched The Weather Channel with him.  Then I went to work.  I only sat with him for about 15 minutes, mind you, but I figure starting out small is better than not starting out at all.
 And today I've done everything he's asked of me without being annoyed.  I have to learn how to trump that selfish girl within.  I'm going to make more of an effort to find that unselfish, caring daughter, his only "daddy's girl," that I know is still in me.

The last picture taken with my dad- Thanksgiving 08

Also, I've been babysitting my nephew sometimes, doing a favor for my mom and sister since they both watched Logan so often for me (and still do) when he was younger.  Another thing I've been doing more of:  housework (dishes, laundry, trash, etc.)  And one more thing I've decided to do:  stop cussing.

Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps!

Soundtrack of my Life #14

Never knew these songs were from the year I was born.  1987 rocks!  Hahah!

#14- A song from the year you were born:  I Wanna Dance With Somebody-Whitney Houston

Faith- George Michael

With or Without You- U2

Walk Like an Egyptian- The Bangles

Also a few other faves:  (I've Had) The Time of My Life by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes; Here I Go Again by Whitesnake; La Bamba by Los Lobos; (I Just) Died in Your Arms by Cutting Crew; Livin' on a Prayer by Bon Jovi; Who's That Girl by Madonna; Bad by Michael Jackson.


1.  Your favorite song.
2.  A song that makes you cry.
3.  A song that makes you dance.
4.  Your favorite male singer.
5.  Your favorite female singer.
6.  Your favorite band.
7.  One band/singer you're ashamed to admit you like.
8.  One band/singer whose popularity you will never understand.
9.  A song that reminds you of an ex.
10.  A song that reminds you of your father.
11.  A song that reminds you of your mother.
12.  A song that makes you want to have sex.
13.  A song you sing in the shower.
14.  A song from the year you were born.
15.  A song you liked in high school.
16.  The first song in your mp3 folder.
17.  The last song in your mp3 folder.
18.  An instrumental song that you like.
19.  Your favorite love song.
20.  Your favorite break up song.
21.  A song that makes you want to break stuff.
22.  Your favorite song from a movie.
23.  Your favorite duet.
24.  Your favorite cover song.
25.  Your favorite song from 2010.
26.  Your favorite music video.
27.  One song in your mp3 folder you're pretty sure no one else has.
28.  One song that never needs to be played again.
29.  One song that gives you the creeps.
30.  A song you'd like played at your funeral.

Deactivated.

I deactivated my FB account today.  Just now, actually.  I'm on it way too much, and would rather be doing more productive things with my day, like reading.

I almost stopped by the new doughhnut store today.  I almost poured my heart and soul into a lemon-filled doughnut.  After Lauren convinced me not to eat a doughnut, I almost convinced myself to stop by Jack's/Hardee's/Waffle House to get a biscuit & gravy.  Almost.  But I ignored my fat, growling stomach and drove home to eat a bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats instead.  Less calories and no money spent.  I'm slowly trumping the fat kid in me.  I'm especially proud of myself since I didn't go to the gym yesterday nor this morning.  I couldn't because my car was in the shop.

Speaking of car, I picked up my car this morning.  Only cost $80 and hopefully the oil leak is fixed.

Now I'm listening to The National and trying to unwind.  I'm going to finish 100 Years of Solitude before I go to work today.

At the moment....

I have done very well as far as my "diet" goes.  I've avoided eating that fallen tater tot/french fry/popcorn chicken at work.  I've only been drinking water, which is normally the only thing I do drink, but for the past 2 weeks I've been addicted to vanilla cream diet cokes, with an extra shot of vanilla.  As for the delicious, unhealthy food my mom cooks, I've been eating smaller portions, and she has also agreed to bringing home these delicious salads from her work to help aid my weight loss journey.  Also, I feel that my body is more free from the toxins of unhealthy eating.  It's a good feeling.

I've been trumping my laziness and actually forcing myself to go to the gym. I never regret it once I finish my workout.  Now during the workout it's a different story, but once I finish and see the healthy color to my cheeks and the sweat dripping from my forehead, I know I've done well.  I have to constantly remind myself while I'm working out that I am not at the same fit level I was at when I quit working out the first time.  For example, the best time I've had in running the mile is 8:47 (which isn't that good to some of you athletes, but to me it is a big accomplishment).  So when I started working out again, I ran the mile in 9:48.  Then 10:03 (I blame Dara for this one; she wouldn't stop talking to me).  Then 9:57.  So on my last mile time, it dawned on me that that 8:47 time wasn't going to just appear out of the blue.  It took MONTHS of working out to get my mile time down to 8:47, and I need to realize that it may take months again.  We'll see.  Wish me luck!

In reference to laziness, I've noticed how lazy I've become since moving back into my parents' house--lazy in almost every aspect of my life.  I don't like it, not one bit.  I need to remedy that asap.

Another not-so-cool interesting tidbit:  my car is in the shop.  Hopefully it won't cost too much to fix it.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

So the dreaded V-day is coming up.  I want to do something for myself--well, to be honest, I already know what I want: a foot scrub/massage/pedicure/whatever they are called.  I've never had one before and I really think it would do me some good to have my feet pampered, but I don't know if the bargain shopper in me will allow myself to spend that much money on my feet, especially since no one will see them anytime soon due to the ungodly cold season known as winter.  I'm still debating.

Tyler and I are going to The Avett Brothers and Band of Horses concert on April 1st in Tuscaloosa.  Shortly thereafter we and (hopefully) a few others will be attending The Hangout Festival at the end of May.  I'm feeling like this will be my last hoorah before I move to Birmingham.  The Black Keys, Foo Fighters, Primus, My Morning Jacket, etc.  Words cannot describe my excitement.

Also, I'm really loving My Bell Jar.  She reads a lot and she always gives me new suggestions on authors, books, etc.  My new favorite:  W.S.  Merwin.

Soundtrack of my Life # 9

#9- A song that makes you think of an ex:  Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton

(The first time I heard this song--& yes, it's sad-- was at Casey's 10 yr. high school reunion in 2007.  The dj played this song because it was their class's prom theme/song.  I told Casey I had never heard the song before & he pulled me onto the dance floor and told me that he didn't bring a date to his senior prom, so by dancing with me he was making up for it.  Probably my favorite memory of us.)

I wanted to post a live video but the ones I found were too long or bad video quality or disabled.


"And the wonder of it all, is that you just don't realize how much I love you..."

1.  Your favorite song.
2.  A song that makes you cry.
3.  A song that makes you dance.
4.  Your favorite male singer.
5.  Your favorite female singer.
6.  Your favorite band.
7.  One band/singer you're ashamed to admit you like.
8.  One band/singer whose popularity you will never understand.
9.  A song that reminds you of an ex.
10.  A song that reminds you of your father.
11.  A song that reminds you of your mother.
12.  A song that makes you want to have sex.
13.  A song you sing in the shower.
14.  A song from the year you were born.
15.  A song you liked in high school.
16.  The first song in your mp3 folder.
17.  The last song in your mp3 folder.
18.  An instrumental song that you like.
19.  Your favorite love song.
20.  Your favorite break up song.
21.  A song that makes you want to break stuff.
22.  Your favorite song from a movie.
23.  Your favorite duet.
24.  Your favorite cover song.
25.  Your favorite song from 2010.
26.  Your favorite music video.
27.  One song in your mp3 folder you're pretty sure no one else has.
28.  One song that never needs to be played again.
29.  One song that gives you the creeps.
30.  A song you'd like played at your funeral.

Again.

Some screams are just too painful to be uttered out loud.

But sometimes...

It’s almost as if the harder you scream and the louder you let the sobs stretch out in your throat, the better the chance that the person ripped from you will hear, and return. 

 

Fucking relapse.  

Fitness Friday

Fitness Friday with Lauren was canceled today because she is sick.  The entire way to Logan's daycare I procrastinated about working out at the gym.  After I dropped my hellion off at daycare I decided that I wasn't going to the gym.  BUT I told myself to drive by there just to see how it felt.  Then I told myself to park.  Then I got out of the car, and as I was walking into the gym I told myself, "It's not too late to turn around..."  But I walked my fat butt right into that gym and worked out so hard I almost vomited the milk & granola bar I had for breakfast.  Go me!

I'm ready to take on this rainy day.

P.S.  Avett Brothers AND Band of Horses on April 1st!  I am SO excited!

Soundtrack of my Life # 4

 #4-  Your favorite male singer:  Matt Berninger from The National

His voice is so sexy.

 Slow Show- I was hypnotized the first time I heard this song, and have been ever since.

Patterns of Fairytales

1.  Your favorite song.
2.  A song that makes you cry.
3.  A song that makes you dance.
4.  Your favorite male singer.
5.  Your favorite female singer.
6.  Your favorite band.
7.  One band/singer you're ashamed to admit you like.
8.  One band/singer whose popularity you will never understand.
9.  A song that reminds you of an ex.
10.  A song that reminds you of your father.
11.  A song that reminds you of your mother.
12.  A song that makes you want to have sex.
13.  A song you sing in the shower.
14.  A song from the year you were born.
15.  A song you liked in high school.
16.  The first song in your mp3 folder.
17.  The last song in your mp3 folder.
18.  An instrumental song that you like.
19.  Your favorite love song.
20.  Your favorite break up song.
21.  A song that makes you want to break stuff.
22.  Your favorite song from a movie.
23.  Your favorite duet.
24.  Your favorite cover song.
25.  Your favorite song from 2010.
26.  Your favorite music video.
27.  One song in your mp3 folder you're pretty sure no one else has.
28.  One song that never needs to be played again.
29.  One song that gives you the creeps.
30.  A song you'd like played at your funeral.

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Tattoo or new camera?
Band of Horses, Of Montreal, She & Him, Laura Marling or Griffin House? (I want to buy ONE album on Itunes.  Once I figure out which artist I want, which album do I buy?)
Florida or Hawaii? (The question is more complicated than it seems...)
Birmingham or Anniston? (I only have 5 more months to figure this one out...)

I accomplished a lot today; unfortunately, these tasks were done with heavy-laden thoughts.  Not good.  And I was so happy to cross so many things off of my list!

I'm following this blog and I'm loving so many of her posts.  Today this post has inspired me.  I did a little searching, and it comes from a book called The Book of Nightmares by Galway Kinnell.  After more searching I realized I read a poem that I really enjoyed by him in my ENG 102 class called After Making Love We Hear Footsteps.  I'm thinking of breaking my New Year's Resolution to buy this book.  Should I?

Or maybe I should get this book instead, which would be a good coffee table book...

I guess I'm in a sappy, love mood, because I am stealing this from the above-mentioned blog (I think I want this poem read at my wedding, if I ever get married):

For What Binds Us by Jane Hirshfield

There are names for what binds us:

strong forces, weak forces.

Look around, you can see them:

the skin that forms in a half-empty cup,

nails rusting into the places they join,

joints dovetailed on their own weight.

The way things stay so solidly

wherever they've been set down—

and gravity, scientists say, is weak.

And see how the flesh grows back

across a wound, with a great vehemence,

more strong

than the simple, untested surface before.

There's a name for it on horses,

when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh,

as all flesh,

is proud of its wounds, wears them

as honors given out after battle,

small triumphs pinned to the chest—

And when two people have loved each other

see how it is like a

scar between their bodies,

stronger, darker, and proud;

how the black cord makes of them a single fabric

that nothing can tear or mend.