Does anybody hear me?

It's 10:15 P.M.  My beautiful little hellion is asleep in the bed behind me (and is not sleeping very well for some reason), and I am awake, listening to my "Inspiring" song list on itunes, searching for the answer.

I need release.  I need someone to hold me.  I need someone to listen.  At the same time, I want to go on pretending that I'm ok.  But I'm not.  I'm just not.

I hate these blogs.  The ones where someone complains about silly little things.  Things I don't care to read.  Things that make me roll my eyes and think, "Seriously?"  Why then can I NOT STOP blogging?  I firmly believe it is because no one understands the pain I'm going through.  Sure, of course, people go through horrible break ups all the time, constantly, 24/7.  So why do I feel so alone?  I think I post blogs like this one because I like to go back and re-read them, imagining that I've stumbled upon a stranger's blog; a stranger that knows me to the core, one that I can relate to, one that I can release my deepest, darkest thoughts into, and not worry.  Be completely free.  But will I ever really be free?

2010 was a horrible year for me.  Probably the worst year of my life thus far.
In Casey's mind, we split in February 2010.  In my fucked up mind, I feel that Casey and I took a break in February 2010 and split in August 2010.  I truly cannot remember anything that happened from August to December.  Now that it is January 2011, I see that Casey and I were truly split last February, and I also realize that 2010 was and still is a complete blur for me.  I don't remember very many things.  I've pushed a lot of it out of my mind, and I continue to push things from my mind.  Some of these things I shouldn't push away, and yet I do and continue to do so.  For example:  I broke up with Casey.  I wasn't happy.  I wanted out.  Now I want in, and can't remember why I wanted out.  To me, those thoughts and feelings that made me so depressed at this time last year are just a big blur.  A mess, confusion and chaos.  And then the things I SHOULD push from my mind, I don't.  Like the good memories Casey and I had:

New Years Eve 2009

This is the last happy picture that I can remember us taking--New Years Eve 2009. (Casey was dancing with me to Miley Cyrus's "Party in the U.S.A.")

Someone push these memories out of my head.  A friend said to me, "If you weren't happy at this time last year, then why be sad again this year?"  I need to let go of the guilt that I feel, but I can't.  Why?  I got what I wanted.  I got what I wanted.  I GOT WHAT I WANTED!  This (being single) is what I wanted, right?

 It is the new year, and so many damned people on Facebook are so fucking happy and optimistic that I am almost tempted to deactivate my Facebook account.  I want to run away to an island and live all by myself, wallowing in my misery.  I can't be optimistic.  I don't want be optimistic.  I want to sit.  I want to dwell.  I want to cry.  I want to be able to blog and not worry about what others will think about my whining, because this pain is so fucking real and  it hurts so fucking much that I've convinced myself that I can't go on much longer.  A thought occurred to me the other day: "Just hold out until December 21, 2010.  If the world doesn't end then, I can do it afterwards."
How morbid is that?

So much has happened since the new year.  So much.  And the funny part?  It's only JANUARY 3RD.
I want to be happy again.  One day.  But for right now, I'm content to dwell on my suffering.  Call me pathetic.  Say what you will.  But....
this is how I mourn.