Just Do It.

I've had a very serious lack of motivation to work out these past few weeks.  I've been making excuses:

I'm too tired.
It's too cold.
I ate an hour ago.
It's the middle of the week.
I need to get a tanning package.
It's hard to stay fit when Mom keeps cooking Philipino food and making me eat.  (Who wants to turn down free, delicious food, right?)
I can't run the mile as fast as I used to be able.
I still haven't bought my gym membership (karma! & New Year's Resolution)
etc. etc. etc. etc.

So instead of doing something productive & healthy, I've drifted further into laziness, eating candy and ordering the most fattening steak/cheeseburger/loaded cheese fries on the menu that I can find.  And then I come home with my belly full and stare at my pictures from 2 years ago when I was a gym addict.  And whine.  And moan.  And complain.  All while stuffing my face with the closest sweet treat I can get my hands on.

January and February of this year is the 1 year mark for a lot of upsetting things that happened in my life last year.  I'm hoping that this lazy, depressing spurt I'm in is just the result of those "anniversaries."  This year I plan to do a lot of things, see a lot of places, visit a lot of people.  And I want to look my best, if not better, than I ever have before.

Here's to me accomplishing that goal (and learning how to politely turn down that free, fattening yet delicious food!)
Also, some motivational quotes & pictures of the hottest--in my opinion--& most inspiring body ever, to remind myself that I can do it, I need only to take that first step.

Jessica Biel

Jessica Biel

Soundtrack of my Life # 23

(I keep posting these videos in twos because I can never pick a favorite!)

#23- Your favorite duet:  Sonny and Cher- I Got You Babe

Snow Patrol ft. Martha Wainwright- Set Fire to the Third Bar

Surprises

Sometimes life has a way of surprising me.

Last week was a horrible week for me:

• An old lady backed into my car in the Walmart parking lot on Monday night.  I, not wanting to be mean, didn't call the cops on the 90 year old lady; I would have felt horrible to do so!  So I take the minor paint scratches and mourn silently in my room that night, only to find out that Casey canceled the insurance on my car a few months ago, which leaves me helpless in even trying to "report" my car's injuries to the insurance company (and it's also nice to find out that I've been driving around with no car insurance for the past 3 months...) 

• As I'm in bed Monday night, I begin to feel sick.  I wake up Tuesday drenched in sweat, and my body temperature continues to alternate all day between roasting in hell or sitting on an iceberg in Antarctica.  I felt like someone had a voodoo doll of me & was putting it in a fire & then switching it to a deep freezer every two hours.  It was not fun. I somehow managed to make it through the first (finally!) day of class & have the eye doctor fix my broken glasses, then proceeded to go home and lay in bed, miserable, for the rest of the day.

• On Wednesday morning at 6:30 my friend convinced me to go to the ER.  I keep in mind that I would not have went if I didn't think I was seriously dying.  After having 5 different people ask me what my symptoms were, the on call doctor comes in and asks me what my symptoms are, & once I tell him he says, "Ok, hold on a second.  I'm going to make a phone call.  I'll be right back."  He never came back.  Then his nurse practitioner came in & examined me.  I was pissed.  The diagnosis?  The one that I was dying from starting 2 days before?  Pharyngitis, which is  basically a sore, swollen throat.  I wasn't too happy.  I am a single mother who works fast food & does not have insurance; I receive food stamps, and my son is on Medicaid.  Do you really think I wanted to hear that I had a sore throat?  Not to mention that the antibiotics prescribed was an antibiotic which cost me $30 and was only SIX pills.  I had a doctor's excuse to miss work that day, but knowing that I was about to receive a hellacious hospital bill I went to work anyways.

• Wednesday night, despite feeling sick, I went to Dara's for our weekly Girls Dinner/Kids' Play date.  On the way home from Dara's, I get pulled over for my headlight, which is out.  Thankfully, the officer did not give me a ticket.

• Thursday night, despite still being sick, I go out with a friend who is in town on leave and find out that the headlight the old lady ran her bumper onto does not work.  I drive a Firebird, so the headlights flip up.  The right headlight needed to be replaced anyways, but I guess after I turned the lights off on my car Monday night the light jammed and now it won't come up when I turn on my headlights, only my left headlight will.  Can you say ghetto?  I wonder how much it will be to fix that....

So, despite that entire whiny rant,  I am writing this blog to simply say:  Sometimes I need to stop complaining.

Today a very special someone for whom I care deeply sent me flowers at work!  I have to say, because it's funny, that I got off work about 10 minutes before the flowers were delivered, so I wasn't there to receive them, but I was completely surprised & giddy when I went back to work.  (My manager called after they were delivered & told me I received a package. She didn't ruin the surprise for me.)

Also, I got another "package" today in the mail.  Phi Theta Kappa, which is the honor society of two year colleges, sent me a packet of information about a two week convention that will take place in China in June of this year.  They want me to represent GSCC!  It is super expensive, but I talked to my advisor and there are scholarships and grants that I may be able to receive in order to attend.  Even if I will not be able to attend the convention, I feel honored to have been chosen.  =)

And now I'm off to dinner with one of my best friends, T. Vera.

New Years Eve 2010

Buen noche!

Soundtrack of my Life #10

I'm a daddy's girl, through and through.

#10-A song that reminds you of your father:  The Platters- The Great Pretender
(My dad told me when I was a little girl that this was one of his favorite songs.)

The Marcels- Blue Moon =)
(This song is one of mine & my daddy's favorite songs.)

MAN!  I have a long way to go before I finish this list! =)

1.  Your favorite song.
2.  A song that makes you cry.
3.  A song that makes you dance.
4.  Your favorite male singer.
5.  Your favorite female singer.
6.  Your favorite band.
7.  One band/singer you're ashamed to admit you like.
8.  One band/singer whose popularity you will never understand.
9.  A song that reminds you of an ex.
10.  A song that reminds you of your father.
11.  A song that reminds you of your mother.
12.  A song that makes you want to have sex.
13.  A song you sing in the shower.
14.  A song from the year you were born.
15.  A song you liked in high school.
16.  The first song in your mp3 folder.
17.  The last song in your mp3 folder.
18.  An instrumental song that you like.
19.  Your favorite love song.
20.  Your favorite break up song.
21.  A song that makes you want to break stuff.
22.  Your favorite song from a movie.
23.  Your favorite duet.
24.  Your favorite cover song.
25.  Your favorite song from 2010.
26.  Your favorite music video.
27.  One song in your mp3 folder you're pretty sure no one else has.
28.  One song that never needs to be played again.
29.  One song that gives you the creeps.
30.  A song you'd like played at your funeral.

Morbid Dreams

I had a plethora of morbid dreams last night.  Four dreams, to be exact.  However, I can only recall three of the dreams, and that may very well be a good thing.  They.are.morbid.  You've been warned.

1.

Casey & I are in a Chevy Camaro convertible with Logan sitting in the backseat.  I am driving, with my phone nestled onto my left thigh.  For some reason the car is doorless, and the dangerous, winding road we are on does not have any guard rails.  We're slowly & safely driving along, and my phone's text message ringer goes off.  Because there are no doors on the car and we're on a dangerous road, Casey leans over to grab my phone but accidentally knocks it off my thigh.  I don't know why, because I always wear my seat belt, but I am not in my dream, and I reach out to try to catch my phone before it falls into the abyss, and I end up falling out of the car and doing a  Matrix-style move to land safely onto the road which is some 30 ft. below the road I was on.  All well and good, right?  Except for the fact that Casey was so distraught over me basically jumping out of the car that he ends up wrecking, killing both him and Logan. :-(  Then I wake up.

Similar to this road, but more of a spiral-shaped road

 2.
It is very dark.  I'm sitting in an extravagant pool at an old rich lady's house.  I don't know why but it is the end of my dream, and my friend S.F.  has saved me from the rich lady.  Apparently she was a beautiful woman in her younger days and was trying to kill me to use my beauty and youth to restore within herself.  S.F. is standing in the shallow end of the pool with a suitcase filled with syringes of medicine, of which is always by his side because he is a nurse.  He is looking for a syringe to use on me because I am in shock from going through a terrible ordeal with this lady (which I can't recall), and am crying on the footsteps of the pool, hugging my knees into my chest.  I see him squirting a little of the medicine out of the syringe, like they do on tv.  Then I wake up.

Like this pool, but without the lamps

3.
I am sitting in a ghetto neighborhood.  All the houses have at least 6 cars parked in the yard/driveway.  For some reason I am with a bad guy, maybe a boyfriend, and his 6 year old daughter.  She is wearing pink pj's, with no house shoes, but it is summer, so there is no need for her to get too cold.  We are running from something.  He is planning on blowing up the houses in the neighborhood.  We get to the last house on the block, which is aligned with woods, where I take the little girl and wait for him to finish the wiring.  But before he can finish, the cops come onto the scene and shoot him dead in his tracks.  While the chaos ensues--agents running everywhere to dismantle the bombs--I come out of the wood, with the little girl asleep in my arms.  The cops ask if we're alright, and decide not to take any action against us, thinking we were forced to follow the crazy bomb guy (which I guess we were?).  So a paramedic comes over to take the little girl's temperature, and I, reading the thermometer upside down, say, "93.5, she's fine."  (for some reason that's an acceptable temperature in my dream).  However, I read the thermometer wrong, and her temperature is actually 103.5, and she is dead.  I start wailing.  Then I wake up.

Similar to this neighborhood, but the left houses are aligned with woods

Does anyone want to psychoanalyze me and my dreams?

2011 Resolutions

I like to make New Year's Resolutions, but I, like a lot of other people, always drop them.  I get excited of the hustle & bustle of an optimistic beginning and once that wears off, I forget them.  This year I am really going to try  to accomplish these resolutions.  For me.  A lot of them are cliched, but I think sometimes cliche is good.

Gym membership-  I was working out at the gym four times a week, mind you, but I was doing so for free.  I am good friends with the guy that works at the gym, and I never paid to workout.  I feel kind of bad for "getting over" and 2010 has made me a very firm believer in karma, so I am going to start paying for my gym membership.  Plus, I also feel that if I pay for a gym membership it will inspire me to work out more than four days a week, and longer, since I'm actually paying to do so. 

Post-workout:  me, Heather, Lauren

Tanning bed package-  Oh no!  NOT TANNING!  But I really just want to tan because I feel that tanning will help me more from a working out perspective.  I can't see my muscles as well if I'm pasty.  Call me vain, whatever. 

Facial cleanser-  I've never had bad skin.  Ever.  And I promise I'm not trying to brag.  I never wash my face before I go to bed or after I wake up.  In fact, the only time I wash my face is when I shower.  Gross, I know.  But like I said, I never felt the need to because I've never had bad skin. When I was younger everyone would taunt me & tell me that even though I never went through the horrible acne stage in high school that I would eventually go through the stage in my 30s.  I never paid it any mind until a few weeks ago when two pimples popped up on my cheek.  When those two pimples appeared I heard the taunts from my childhood.  I've decided to start taking better care of my face.  Hahaha (This is a bit of an odd resolution, huh?)

Reading-  Last year my one of my New Year's Resolutions was to not buy any books for myself until I  read all the books I purchased (in 2009!) with my BAM and B&N gift cards. An outrageous sum--over forty books!  Alas, I only read twelve or so books.  In my defense, I had a lot of shit happening to me in 2010 and sadly, did not get to read all of said books.  In October 2010 I took a brief, two week Facebook hiatus, during which I read five books!  I was so happy to have finally started reading again.  I thoroughly enjoy reading and my FB hiatus has helped me not be on FB anywhere near as much as I used to, and because of this I am still continuing to read more of the books that I've bought.  So let's just say I'm carrying over last year's New Year's resolution to this year.  It's going to be REALLY hard avoiding book stores and not buying books though.  Wish me luck! 

Eating healthy & yoga-  It just occurred to me this morning that when I'm at work I talk a lot of shit about eating healthy.  I eat "healthy" while at work, but basically just eat whatever I want when I'm not at work.  I'm going to try to be more consistent about eating healthy outside of work.  This is going to be extremely hard since I moved back in with my parents.  My mom is always always always cooking delicious, unhealthy, Philipino foods for me to eat.  She thinks I need to gain weight.  Pssshhh.  I want to be healthy.  I like the way healthy makes me feel.  Also, since moving back into my parents' house, I have not had the space or quiet time to be able to do yoga.  My friend Lauren & I have decided to do something called Fitness Fridays.  Every Friday morning we do a twenty minute yoga session and go for a bike ride on the trail near our houses.  Sadly, I forgot about it today (the first Friday of the year!), but I will continue to pursue this idea, and hopefully do yoga more than once a week.

Credit cards-  This is another New Year's Resolution I'm carrying over from last year.  Last year I had every intention to pay off my credit card debt with my tax return, but circumstances prevented me from doing so.  This year, NOTHING is going to be keep me from using every.single.cent of my tax return for my credit card debt.  I can't move to Birmingham with mass amounts of debt. 

Birmingham-  One of the reasons I left Casey was so I could get the hell out of this town and do something with my life.  Move away from the small-mindedness of the people here.  See diversity in a bigger place and be a part of the diversity myself.  I graduated from GSCC in December and got accepted to the University of Montevallo!  I am so excited about moving.  If you know me, you know that this will be a VERY big step in my life.  I am so nervous that I think it wouldn't take much for me to give up and stay here.  I won't.  I won't.  I won't!  I'm moving to the Birmingham area.  I just have to keep reminding myself that it will not only benefit me, but it will benefit Logan as well.  Schools in Birmingham area will give him more opportunities than any school here could do for him.  I think this move will help my mental health greatly.  Can't wait.

Birmingham, AL

Well, that's my list.  My chance at optimism.  Wish me luck!

Does anybody hear me?

It's 10:15 P.M.  My beautiful little hellion is asleep in the bed behind me (and is not sleeping very well for some reason), and I am awake, listening to my "Inspiring" song list on itunes, searching for the answer.

I need release.  I need someone to hold me.  I need someone to listen.  At the same time, I want to go on pretending that I'm ok.  But I'm not.  I'm just not.

I hate these blogs.  The ones where someone complains about silly little things.  Things I don't care to read.  Things that make me roll my eyes and think, "Seriously?"  Why then can I NOT STOP blogging?  I firmly believe it is because no one understands the pain I'm going through.  Sure, of course, people go through horrible break ups all the time, constantly, 24/7.  So why do I feel so alone?  I think I post blogs like this one because I like to go back and re-read them, imagining that I've stumbled upon a stranger's blog; a stranger that knows me to the core, one that I can relate to, one that I can release my deepest, darkest thoughts into, and not worry.  Be completely free.  But will I ever really be free?

2010 was a horrible year for me.  Probably the worst year of my life thus far.
In Casey's mind, we split in February 2010.  In my fucked up mind, I feel that Casey and I took a break in February 2010 and split in August 2010.  I truly cannot remember anything that happened from August to December.  Now that it is January 2011, I see that Casey and I were truly split last February, and I also realize that 2010 was and still is a complete blur for me.  I don't remember very many things.  I've pushed a lot of it out of my mind, and I continue to push things from my mind.  Some of these things I shouldn't push away, and yet I do and continue to do so.  For example:  I broke up with Casey.  I wasn't happy.  I wanted out.  Now I want in, and can't remember why I wanted out.  To me, those thoughts and feelings that made me so depressed at this time last year are just a big blur.  A mess, confusion and chaos.  And then the things I SHOULD push from my mind, I don't.  Like the good memories Casey and I had:

New Years Eve 2009

This is the last happy picture that I can remember us taking--New Years Eve 2009. (Casey was dancing with me to Miley Cyrus's "Party in the U.S.A.")

Someone push these memories out of my head.  A friend said to me, "If you weren't happy at this time last year, then why be sad again this year?"  I need to let go of the guilt that I feel, but I can't.  Why?  I got what I wanted.  I got what I wanted.  I GOT WHAT I WANTED!  This (being single) is what I wanted, right?

 It is the new year, and so many damned people on Facebook are so fucking happy and optimistic that I am almost tempted to deactivate my Facebook account.  I want to run away to an island and live all by myself, wallowing in my misery.  I can't be optimistic.  I don't want be optimistic.  I want to sit.  I want to dwell.  I want to cry.  I want to be able to blog and not worry about what others will think about my whining, because this pain is so fucking real and  it hurts so fucking much that I've convinced myself that I can't go on much longer.  A thought occurred to me the other day: "Just hold out until December 21, 2010.  If the world doesn't end then, I can do it afterwards."
How morbid is that?

So much has happened since the new year.  So much.  And the funny part?  It's only JANUARY 3RD.
I want to be happy again.  One day.  But for right now, I'm content to dwell on my suffering.  Call me pathetic.  Say what you will.  But....
this is how I mourn.

Soundtrack of my Life #11

Because it's 1/1/11 and my Philipino mother is singing karaoke in the living room with 4 of her Philipino friends. She loves singing these songs on karaoke.

#11- A song that makes you think of your mother:  Tammy Wynette- Stand by Your Man

Kenny Rogers- Through the Years

1.  Your favorite song.
2.  A song that makes you cry.
3.  A song that makes you dance.
4.  Your favorite male singer.
5.  Your favorite female singer.
6.  Your favorite band.
7.  One band/singer you're ashamed to admit you like.
8.  One band/singer whose popularity you will never understand.
9.  A song that reminds you of an ex.
10.  A song that reminds you of your father.
11.  A song that reminds you of your mother.
12.  A song that makes you want to have sex.
13.  A song you sing in the shower.
14.  A song from the year you were born.
15.  A song you liked in high school.
16.  The first song in your mp3 folder.
17.  The last song in your mp3 folder.
18.  An instrumental song that you like.
19.  Your favorite love song.
20.  Your favorite break up song.
21.  A song that makes you want to break stuff.
22.  Your favorite song from a movie.
23.  Your favorite duet.
24.  Your favorite cover song.
25.  Your favorite song from 2010.
26.  Your favorite music video.
27.  One song in your mp3 folder you're pretty sure no one else has.
28.  One song that never needs to be played again.
29.  One song that gives you the creeps.
30.  A song you'd like played at your funeral.